Personal Testimony

Truthfully, I cannot remember a time when God was not with me. As a small child, I was raised in a mostly Catholic environment. My dad was hard-shell Baptist! Quite a volatile combination and yes, the sparks did fly--often!

As the middle child of the three siblings living in our home, the responsibility of "mediator" often fell upon me. I tried to be the peacemaker, but the role was heavy, way too big for my small shoulders.

My family was what today's society calls "dysfunctional". That is putting it mildly! Oh, my mother and father loved one another, but, they had an "Elizabeth Taylor-Richard Burton" romance! Like, Liz and Richard, tempers and fists (or an occasional flying steel-toed shoe or iron) flew! Of course, there was alcohol--drinking was one of my family's generational sins (from which my dad was later delivered--praise God!)

Back then, there was so much coming and going of other members among my mother's and father's families. Entire families would move into our tiny home for extended periods of time and yes, that opened the door to sexual abuse.

Growing up, I was the apple of my father's eye and of course, my mother's worse foe. We never could seemed to have any real understanding of one another (I think we did before her passing, thank God). Of course, I loved her and she me. Still, she resented the closeness of my relationship with my dad (really, of any time he spent with any of their children). I was no help. If mom said the sky was blue--I would say it was pitch black. Battles ensued and rebellion was inevitable!

Now, being raised Catholic does not necessarily mean you know anything at all about God, or about His Son, Jesus Christ. To make matters worse, the service was in Latin! Still, I was able to glean bits and pieces of God and His plan for mankind. (I pray you know that it is not being a member of any "church" that saves us, it is in Jesus Christ alone!)

Funny, around age 13, I decided to read the Bible from cover to cover. I remember reaching the book of Revelation and thinking, "Wow! That could happen in my lifetime. I even figured up how old I would be if I lived to the year 2000! Oh, I kept close to my heart the things that would surely come upon those who refused to repent and turn to the Living God. But, I thought, "One day, when I've had my fun--when I'm older!" (I don't recommend this way of approaching God's offer of salvation to anyone!)

At age 18, I left home and pursued what I though would be a different life. Nope, different faces--same situations. I could never find anyone who truly loved me--never! Everyone left me!

During this rebellious time, my precious brother went off to Vietnam. I can still remember his call that day at work--he was safely home! I screamed like a little child. I loved him so! Still do! Little did I know that Nam had changed my brother. It was also during this time that a change had taken place in the heart of my dad. Of course, that change was the saving knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ, and I wanted no part of it!

I even went as far as to move and not let anyone in the family know my whereabouts. Unfortunately for me, they all did still know where I worked. My father, playing the master sleuth, proceeded to follow me in his "can't miss it" cadillac! Of course, I spotted him immediately! He was precious! It touched my heart so deeply that I knowingly let him follow me back to my new apartment. He keep telling me that Jesus loved me and that I needed to be "saved"! Well, I thought I was saving myself, so I turned a deaf ear to his pleas. Still, he told me he would pray and he did! It was so cute! After that time, dad would pop up at the most unusual times--I'm sure he was trying to catch me while I was up to something, but thankfully, he never did.

One day, my brother came over (Yes, dear dad filled everyone in!) and asked if I wanted to go to church with him. Well, he had asked before, so I knew my brother didn't always follow through (I love you, dear brother, please forgive), so I said yes. I was so certain he would forget and never knock on my door. He DID! I was so mad--furious! But, I loved my brother and didn't have it in me to hurt him, so I got dressed and went with him. It was comical! I was cursing, smoking--deliberately blowing the smoke right into his face. I turned up the radio so hard-rock music blasted in his (and my) ears (I never even liked that type of music!). I couldn't get a rise out of him! He was so calm! That just infuriated me more!

Finally, we arrived at the church. I didn't know what hit me! God's love just permeated the entire sanctuary! I had never experienced anything like that before and I wanted it! God allowed me to look out over the congregation and see a glimpse of how eternity will be--all one family of God! I don't even remember what the pastor preached that day! Truly, within 2-3 minutes I was raising my hands and praising the Lord! My brother just stared at me with joy and amazement. Tears streaming down his beloved face!

I have to tell you, even while I was praising God, a major struggle was going on in my head and in my heart. Among my many sins, I also had an addiction--another love, one that was not honorable in any way! I hesitated because I knew following Christ would cost me dearly--He would cost me my obsession! I remember telling God I didn't think I could turn away from my love--I didn't have it in me. A war for my soul was taking place right there in the middle of that church and not a person knew--only me and God!

Then, God gently whispered in my ear, "My Spirit will not always strive with man." (Genesis 6:3) I guess reading through the Bible (once) had sunk it, because that came out of nowhere--thank you, Holy Spirit! The enormous implications of His statement horrified me! I knew I would not be given another opportunity! I must choose TODAY! Thankfully, I chose Christ! Beloved, I can tell you, I have not regretted that decision one day--one mili-second of my life. In fact, I can't imagine life without Christ, without His love, blessing and favor upon my life.

A few years ago, God revealed to me that I would indeed have perished in my sins had I not chosen Him that day! The when and how "that" might have happened, I don't know, but I do know I would not be writing this today. I would not have my wonderful husband, two sons, and now, a precious grandson! I would have died and been counted among the lost!

Dear one(s), don't let that terrible fate happen to you! We're talking eternity here! God's word says, "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him." (Genesis 6:3 KJV)

God has graciously shown us the way to eternal life--Jesus Christ! He alone is the Way, the Truth and the Life! Oh, beloved, choose Life and live it abundantly! I'm so glad I "chose wisely"!

Spiritual Markers

· Middle child in a very dysfunctional family – always felt unwanted and unloved

· Though a cloudy and confused concept, God held an important role in our family

· Most of childhood and early youth spent in role of family "servant"

· Early teenage years to early twenties spent far away from God

· Gave my life to the Lord in 1973

· Felt led to pursue a secretarial career during the 70’s around the time I got saved

· Came under the influence of a cult-like religious group—met my husband there—very positive!

· Married my husband in 1974

· God allowed a situation to develop (discernment on part of my husband) that opened our eyes to this cult and freed us!

· Supported husband in several moves with his company (14 as of 2007)

· Blessed by God—allowed to become a mother to two wonderful sons--76 and 82

· Secretary 1991-2000. Prior to that, I was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom

· November 16, 1993 – Father deceased (Major spiritual marker!) The Lord had moved me away from my hometown a couple of years after becoming a Christian. Truly, I never thought I would return! However, in God’s great sovereignty circumstances changed in one day to bring me and my husband back—just in time to learn that my father was terminally ill. Please hear me, this was a blessing—I will never be able to thank God enough! I saw then, and I see now how He showed His love for me and my father in miraculous ways—almost moment by moment! I would not trade that experience for anything on this earth! God is good! Still, every day going back and forth to my father’s home, I wrestled and argued with God over my father’s life. It was not until I heard the sound of the heart monitor going to a flat line that I was able to accept my father’s inevitable passing! The pain was crushing—hammering against my chest. I couldn’t breathe! I truly felt the pain would kill me. When I left my father and joined those outside in the waiting room, (this is not to bring glory to myself), the only thing I could utter was “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away!” Looking back on it now, how I wish I had continued that verse to its completion, so I will do so now: May the name of the LORD be praised forever and ever--Amen!)

· Worked for a major local corporation in an entry level position for 3 months, beginning February 1994 – Pure hell on earth, but good character builder and witness, I hope!

· Began working for the person who would later become the president of that company June 1994 – skills never fully utilized, nor was I allowed to grow and develop in my chosen field

· September 1995 – Over the years, my spiritual life had steadily become lukewarm, almost frosty cold – God intervened in a miraculous way – major turning point in my relationship with God (This is the biggest spiritual marker I have. I could honestly put stones down at this point and give God the name, “The God Who will never fail thee or forsake thee.”)

· January 21, 1997 - Mother passed away suddenly (Thankfully, I was able to be with my mother 3 years before her passing. Yet another major blessing in my life!)

· 1997 – Lost one of my closest friends to leukemia

· Served as preschool and elementary Sunday School teacher for 6 six years

· Worked 2 ½ years in secondary position to this same president. Even more so my skills were not utilized. In fact, over a period of time, I found it difficult to even type properly and was not allowed to keep up with advancing technology

· Felt led to apply for several other positions within and outside the company. Denied. Why?

(Am I moving backward or forward? What is God doing in my life? My whole life has been spent in the role of nurturer. For the past 8 years with my employer my need to nurture has been denied. I feel like I felt living at home – unwanted and unloved. Have I come full circle? If so, for what purpose? How important is it to God that I feel fulfilled? Will God move me forward from my last spiritual marker? How should I interpret forward? Do I stay still? Can God be glorified where I am? Can God make me satisfied where I am? Can and will God speak clearly to me? I want to see God miraculously move in my life! What God is showing me through my spiritual markers: A part of me feels I must be able to nurture in order to feel wanted and loved. Is this from God? Regardless, this is what life has taught me – good or bad. The difference is that since becoming a Christian, I want to be in a servant’s role. This brings me the greatest joy! It is no longer about feeling wanted or loved, it is about serving. Yet, God has not seen fit to allow me to fulfill this need in the area of my career. What is God trying to say to me?

( June 14, 2006) I have to say, looking back (at least about my job situation, I realize that God never truly had that type of future for me. I believe I helped my family by working for nearly 10 years, but all the while God was working in the background for what I now know was for my good!

Likely reasons for my dissatisfaction and non-advancement with my job and company:

As I stated earlier, when I began working for this company, it was in another department all together. I worked there for three months. During that time, I had knowledge that my "then boss", was dissatisfied with his immediate boss, and was going to be leaving the company. He told me this, but asked that I not share. Well, of course I did and the consequences for him were personally devastating! He asked me about this, and I lied right to his face and told him I had not told anyone about this. I felt such shame! Like a Judas! In fact, I had shared it with someone I trusted, and she probably told her boss, who was, of course, my boss’ boss! Totally unintentional on my part, but I did lie and I did cost a good man a future with the company.

Years before, when I worked for an insurance company in another city for a short while, I had really worked hard to develop a good work ethic and reputation. I developed ways to improve and streamline some processes. I loved this job! The manager put a lot of trust and confidence in my trustworthiness and capabilities. At one point, I was in charge of taking up donations and other such things. My husband got the call to move to yet another city and I had to quickly turn in my resignation. I had collected around $48-50 in cash for the Diabetes Association and was to send a check to them. Well, time went by—the money was in my purse and I used it. God kept reminding me of this even up unto the day I left my more recent employer. I had kept pushing it to the back of my mind and told God I would take care of it—one day! I remember rationalizing that it wasn’t a big thing. Not so to God!

There was one other item, but right now, for the life of me I can’t remember it!

Throughout most of my employment with this company, my husband and I had often discussed my dissatisfaction with my job. He knew how unhappy I was, but we both thought I needed to hang in there—we believed we needed my income.

One day, as I was sitting at my desk (I had been journaling my prayers to God for quite a while--nothing else to do) God told me that I needed to take care of these matters—“NOW”!

Amazingly, (Isn’t that just like God?) the man I had injured so terribly had returned to the company a couple of years prior. He was so sweet—I always loved him and it hurt me deeply every time I saw him (I felt like such a liar and hypocrite), because he would always greet me with a great, big smile and huge hug! He was a loving man, though I’m not sure he is a Christian (I believe his mother was.) Anyway, when God said “NOW”, I knew I had to approach him. Unbeknownst to me, it just so happened that God’s holy “NOW” was this man’s last day with the company—he was retiring early due to a back injury! (Oh, the wisdom and knowledge of our God!) Anyway, I composed a lengthy email, but God wasn’t about to let me get off that easy. No, even though I knew I would become a blubbering idiot and not get anything out right, I took the email to this man and stood there crying as he read it. I told him how sorry I was for ruining his life and begged his forgiveness! Again, how gracious he was! He assured me that I had not caused him any career loss—he was going to leave anyway! (NOTE: It turns out that his boss was fired right after he had turned in his resignation—so, I doubt that that was true, but God knows!) Also,the really weird thing is that at that time, my current employer was moved into this man’s boss’ position and I was promoted as his secretary! (No wonder I found only dissatisfaction!) The point is, I don’t know how far this dear wronged man could have gone with our company. By the time he retired, it’s possible that he may have been promoted to an executive vice president! He may also have missed out on a very substantial settlement for the VP’s when we were brought out by another company. Yes, no wonder I was never fulfilled or satisfied on my job!

About the $50. That “NOW” day, I called the Juvenile Diabetes Society and donated $50 in the name of the company I had unintentionally taken the money from. (Probably should have given more taking interest into account, but money was tight.)


Whatever that third thing was, I took care of that, too.

The night of God’s holy “NOW”, my husband, right out of the blue, encouraged me to turn in my resignation! He and I had never discussed that option before! How unexpected--how God! We both knew, that we knew, that we knew that this was what God had for us. What a blessing and answer to prayer! During the last few years I was with this company, my husband had developed a terrible inner ear imbalanced. Being at home enabled me the time and opportunity to prepare the salt-free meals he required so his ear would not torture him! I was able to spend the last year or so with my son while he was at home finishing college, and God place me as lead teacher over an Adult Ladies Life Group (Sunday School). My husband desperately needed my support! I would have missed being with my son and I never would have had the time to study or minister to those God so graciously placed under my care. Thank God that He gave me the “want to” to finally follow Him in complete obedience!

· September 23, 2005, my baby sister passed away. The spiritual markers from her passing are still unfolding. So much pain has resulted from the misunderstandings regarding my response to my sisters passing. I think the time (03/20/07) has come to start journaling the events surrounding this sorrowful time:

Our last time together was so sweet--just my sister and me (Believe it or not, that had not happened since my marriage in 1974)! I truly believe with all my heart that God actually extended time for us that day. We laughed, reminisced, shared from God's Word. She and I kept looking at the clock thinking we had talked for hours and actually only minutes had gone by--it was awesome! We both just looked at each other in amazement and thankfulness to our God!

Our goodbye that day was so bittersweet. It was exactly the same way as with my own dear mother! My sister stood first at the door of her sister-in-law’s home, then she actually came out to the gate. Her look was so mournful! I knew she didn't want me to leave! (My mom did the exact same thing the last time I saw her!) We never imagined that that would be the last time we would see each other! It helps to know that when we parted my sister knew how much I loved her, and I knew she loved me!

I'll treasure those looks (my mom's and my sister's) for the rest of my life and I know that one day they will be changed to looks of joy! Then, all our tears, sorrow and mourning will turn to dancing and rejoicing!)

Having said all that, I have to go back to when I first learned of my sister's illness. Such shock and disbelief! Also, misinformation! It was cancer, it wasn't cancer. For quite a while we never really knew what had caused my sister's lung to collapse. Then, the diagnosis came!

Of course, during this time we our Life Group (to most, our Sunday School) class had been lifting up my sister and her family continually! But, it was this particular prayer that sent forth repercussions that still shake my family and my own soul today:

August 4, 2005

Dear Sisters,

"I believe I have mentioned all the difficulties my sister, blank has been going through recently with her health. Well, yesterday, I received a call from her and the doctors have finally diagnosed her with cancer of the lung. The mass (10 cm) has caused her diaphragm to rise and now her stomach is lifting, also. The cancer has spread into all her lymph nodes. She goes Thursday to hear what stage she is in, but it doesn't sound very good at this point.

I'm writing to you to ask you to lift her and her family up (husband, two daughters and grandchildren.) Specifically, pray that she will be assured of her salvation and right standing with God. Also, that she would not fear what lies ahead--she is afraid of almost everything and this is definitely something big!

Please pray that God will pour out His love, grace, mercy forgiveness and compassion! Pray He will cover her with His mighty wings and if it is His will, that the pain will be minimal and that she will be able to say everything she needs to say to family, friends, etc. Then, pray that God will swiftly and mercifully take her home to be forever with Him.

She asked Christ into her heart during her teenage years (she's 50), but she has not walked closely to Him--yet, I know that God is able and He is faithful. I want so for her to know God in this way! Pray that He will show her His Glory and that she will fall in love with our Jesus!

Thank you for your love--I love you all!"

· Oh, I had no idea the ramifications of this prayer! After this was sent out to our church's prayer warriors, I immediately received a call from someone whom I love very dearly. What this person had to say has pierced my heart and soul. This person felt that this was not a prayer of faith, and that I had deeply offended her. She was horrified that I had sent this prayer out to the ladies I taught because she felt I was teaching them a grave biblical error.

I was devastated. Of course, there had been other prayers--prayers for healing. Why I did not include this in this particular prayer, I don't know. I do know that it haunts me to this day!

I know that this beloved niece, friend and confidant, as well as her family think I'm a tool of satan! They haven't said so, but I truly believe they think I am personally and solely responsible my own sister's death! (As if any one person has any control over God's chosen will and purpose!)

How I have tried to reach out to this side of my family. We haven't had any real contact since my sister's funeral! I've sent cards and left messages. Sometimes they have called to acknowledge my attempts, but they rush to get off the phone as if I am dirty! Something or someone to be avoided! Like a leper! I know I must leave this in God's hands, but the wounds are so deep.

My family believes that I refused to pray for my sister's healing. My sister did call and ask me to do so, but I knew what she was really asking of me. She wanted me to "claim" her healing. This side of my family strongly believes that the confession of our mouths holds great power and of course, they do! Right or wrong, I don't believe we always see our faith realized this side of heaven. What I refused my sister was to share in a "name it and claim it' philosophy, not refusing to pray for God to heal her! Was my sister healed? Oh, yes! In a way the whole earth groans after! My baby sister has taken off the corruptible and God has clothed her in the incorruptible! Glory to God!!!!

You know, even if my faith was and is weak (only God knows that), they should still love me! I wouldn't have knowingly hurt my sister for anything, and this just grieves me to the marrow! It is scriptural that you are not to have fellowship with a brother or sister who continues in willful sin--not a weak brother or sister, or one who believes differently! We are all part of the body of Christ! I don't know if I was weak--God knows and I will let Him judge that--not others!

Yes, I know God could have healed my sister and I prayed for that several times. That last prayer my niece read was for my sister's soul, peace and well-being! I knew my sister wasn't "strong" (as if any of us are) in her faith and satan might use her suffering against her. I wasn't sure how she would hold up under pain. I didn't want her to curse God and die. Oh, I know she wouldn't have meant it, and I believe God would have swept her right up to heaven, but I wanted her to be strong and meet God with joy! Do you understand any of this?

(04/24/07 - I haven't told you why I was so concerned that my sister might curse God. When I moved back to my hometown my mother told me that a beautiful young woman I had grown up with and admired had passed away from breast cancer. From what I understand, her death was agonizing. My mother told me that with her dying breath she cursed God, blaming Him for that illness and the awful pain that went with it. I certainly don't judge her because I realize pain can make any of us weak and vulnerable to satan's lies, but those words haunt me to this day. I could not bear the memory of such words coming from my own baby sister's lips--especially her last words.)

Anyway, these words and other actions have burned in my soul, causing me such grief! Was I lacking faith? Didn't I believe God was big enough to heal my sister? Over and over again their harsh words haunt me. Yes, I truly believe my own family has opened the door for satan to attack me.

I have to tell you a story. The Friday my sister passed away I was with a friend at an area nursing home. Her husband had some business to attend to and I offered to make sure she had some company and that she ate her lunch (which she did not!) Anyway, when I arrived the people were sitting around in the lobby, waiting for the piano player to start playing their favorite music. I thought that my friend might enjoy listening, so out we went. As I stood there, an old hymn kept running through my mind, "I'll Fly Away." I stood there thinking how wonderful it would be for those listening if the lady would play some Christian songs and the next thing I know, she did. Man, several of us were actually singing and praising God with her. But, you know she never played what was on my heart and what would not leave my mind. She never played, "I'll Fly Away."

Later, while I was in the cafeteria with my friend, I got the call that my dear baby sister had passed on to be with the Lord. You know things are coming, but I can tell you, it is always, always a shock. I stayed with with my dear friend, and for a period of time she became lucid. She told me she would only eat with her husband anyway, so I should go and do what needed to be done for my sister. I didn't want to but I did.

As I was wheeling my friend back to her room we went back by the area where the pianist was still performing. Then, the soloist got up to sing. Can you believe it? It was, "I'll Fly Away!" I almost lost it! The people began lifting their voices and I sang it out the loudest. I knew my sister could hear it where she was!

God spoke to me through that song. He was with me when I learned that she was sick. He was with me with my sister passed. And, praise God, He was with me when we laid that empty shell she left behind to rest!

And, you guessed it, at my sister's memorial--the final song (at the request of her daughters) was, "I'll Fly Away!" Later, her daugther told me that my sister had specifically asked that this song be song at her funeral! Isn't God amazing and good?

What I want to tell you is the faithfulness of our God! Every one of the prayers I (we) prayed in behalf of my sister, God answered in amazing power! Glory! My sister did not suffer on this earth very long, her fear was lifted, I knew where my sister was going, and she went peacefully with her husband and daughter by her side! Our God is Faithful!

Beloved, stand! Accept what the Lord has allowed to come into your life and learn from it. I haven't begun to understand all of what God is teaching me, but I'm being still and just glorying in knowing that He was and is my Shield!

A few months ago (December 2005), a dear friend from my church finally lost her 7-8 year battle with breast cancer. I had known her all those years from church. What faith that woman had! Our last time together (very shortly after my sister had passed away) she sat across the table from me--a tiny, little bald skeleton, and told me how she was going to live to see her daughter's (17 at the time) children. No talk of death, no talk of suffering--in fact, she told me, "I've only had a couple of rough days. God has been good to me." Indeed, He had been abundantly good to her! One thing she wanted was to stay alive to see her daughter reach adulthood, because the rest of her family were unbelievers. This woman's faith was so strong, she refused to sign a DNR. Can you believe it! I know for a fact that a few months earlier, she had coded on the table while taking a round of chemo! Of course, she just blew it off! Amazing!

When they finally told her it was weeks or days, she called me to the hospital. Her comment to me was, "Friend, you know that prayer you prayed for your sister--that's what I want for me!" Well, a peace settle in my heart! So, together, in her hospital room, we prayed that same prayer!
True, God could have raise up my beloved sister, or He could have let her live months or years more. He is Sovereign--not me! Truth is, they put much too weight on my "spiritual" power and not on God's! It doesn't matter how I prayed--right or wrong--it is all about God!


· Another blessing! Since I no longer work (in an office), I am blessed by being able to be with my grandson (21 months), five days a week in Orlando—an impossibility made possible by the faithfulness of my God! .......More to come!

· Wow! Never in a million years did I ever think we would move from our hometown once God had brought us back. But, God is God--Amen? We are now situated in a city between my two sons and only 45-50 minutes from my precious grandchild. More on that later!

· 6/11/07- Found our new church home! Truly, a church of every nation, tribe and tongue! It's amazing, we already (less than two months) have been loved, accepted and embraced more in this church family than in any church we have ever attended. Can't wait to see what God has in store for us and for our new church family--God is working! Glory!